Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Pondering Passion

I’ve been pondering a lot lately about what my passions are. Believe it or not, this is something I ordinarily do; I suppose I have identity crises frequently. This week, it seems I’ve upped my dose of narcissism, probably due in part to the fact that the subject at my women’s Bible group this week was passion. We were each given a work sheet of sorts, with columns to write down our interests, our abilities, possible points of intersection, and possible hindrances to whatever we came up with.

Well, the interests part was easy: writing, photography, music, plays/musicals, being a millionaire.
The abilities were similar: writing, photography, singing, spending money.
So my point of intersection is obvious, right? Write and star in a musical about photography and make a million dollars. Done and DONE!

After I had a good giggle over that, I got serious. I looked at my paper and sighed. The interests and abilities were about the same, but the intersection was gone. The truth is, it’s hard to make things intersect when your life is constantly going in a million different directions. The worst part of it is, it feels like it’s going in different directions, but heading nowhere. Like those paths in Alice in Wonderland. I realized I’ve never really had an acknowledged “passion”. There are things I’ve been interested it, things I’ve been passionate FOR, but nothing that really defines me.

Now, take my husband (...please! Ba da bing!) : there’s a man who wears his passion on his sleeve. Anyone who spends more than five minutes talking to him will know, Jeremy has a passion for music, and ministry through music. He has a passion for his band, and for reaching people through that medium. Not just that though. It’s so much more. The ideas that man has blow my mind. Written down on dry paper, they seem like impossible pipe dreams. But when you’re with him, and you hear him talk about them, you’re suddenly convinced that they’re possible, and not just possible, but probable. I think that’s what true passion does to others around you. But another meaning for passion is suffering. Jeremy’s done that, too. He’s suffered for his passion. He’s lain awake at nights, tossing and turning, calling himself crazy for wanting - no, not wanting- needing to make something of himself. He’s gotten angry, he’s cried, he’s begged God to give him something else to work with. But for that to happen, Jeremy would have to become a completely different person. His passion defines him. It IS him.

So I got to thinking.... what defines me? What makes me tick? Again, the interests and abilities came up: I love writing, so I write. I love photography, so I take pictures. Thankfully I have plenty of kids to take pictures of. I love singing, so I sing..... in my car (I’m working on the singing in front of people again thing). Then I got to the hindrances section. Easy. Kids, family, lack of time, lack of money, lack of confidence. Lack of “intersection”.

But then I thought: What if I could be passionate for my kids? What if I could be passionate for my husband, for my family and my friends, for the craziness that is my life? Why do I have to “discover” a passion? Can’t I just be passionate for what I have now, and who I am, right now?

There is plenty of time to discover passions, to “discover myself”. I know what I love doing, what brings me joy, and those things aren’t going to fade with time.

I don’t need to discover a passion. I just need to be passionate.

1 comment:

  1. Thank You for being You babe... I love you : )