Chaos

I have a shirt that I got in some skater store over a year ago. It reads:

“In all of this chaos, we have found safety.”

That struck me really hard, and I bought it on the spot. I wear it when I need reminding that I’m safe. That the chaos is just an outside force swirling around me, leaving me windblown but untouched.

That’s what my life has felt like lately. Pure chaos. A few job insecurities; two kids in school; one car gathering nothing but rust and leaves out on the street, and no money to fix it, leaving us scrambling between school and work schedules; me going back to work; getting sick, then Atleigh getting sick; our tiny house feeling tinier by the hour, as our kids get older; even little things like lost library books and piling up laundry, that, when combined with everything else, are enough to make me feel like someone is dangling me by one leg over the edge of sanity, about to drop me into a sea full of crazy. I’ve lain awake late every night, my mind going over and over and over the things I should have done, should NOT have done, bills that need to be paid and can’t be, chores that never, EVER get finished, on and on, ad nauseam.

I’m just... losing it. Cracking.

Where is my safety? Certainly not printed in hot pink onto a gray t-shirt. I feel caught up in a hurricane that is so, so much bigger than I can ever hope to control. And I know that to some, my problems are small. I know that. I’m not ungrateful.

Just overwhelmed.