Sunday, February 19, 2012

I Don't Know

About twice a week for the past 6 weeks, I’ve made myself sit down in front of this laptop and try to write. The results are as you have seen thus far (assuming you’ve been looking) : Nothing.

I’ve been going through one of my more intense “Disconnects”. My friends and family can tell you, I’ve been barely present, drifting from day to day, scraping by on the minimum I can do between waking and sleeping. I don’t know why I go through these periods. I don’t know what I glean from or give up for them.

I’ve spent some days of these 6 weeks reevaluating what I’m doing with What If I Said, if anything. The answer to that, again, is: I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m hoping to accomplish by vomiting various thoughts, emotions, and events onto this blog. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what this is. I do know, however, what it is not. In the 2 years I’ve been writing What If I Said, I’ve never presumed or claimed to be anything other than what I am: Honest. I promise you, my 32 readers, that I will never be other than honest. I may or may not omit some thoughts. Sometimes it’s safer that way. The things that don’t make it onto the blog could fill two more blogs.

That said, here are some things What If I Said never has and never will be:

It will never be a craft blog.
I have great respect for creative types. I envy their patience and discipline. I will never, ever go there, because I love writing too much to give up blog space for crafts.

It will never be a teaching blog.
I’ve never wanted nor tried to be the next Joyce Meyer. I try my hardest to be up front about my convictions without preaching. My convictions are simply that: mine. I don’t want to change you, convict you, criticize you. From someone who has grown up with a heavy dose of “never good enough” guilt, it is my very last wish to shuffle some of that weight onto others. I don't believe I have the only direct line to God, and what He says to me is IT, and should be IT for you too. If what I say applies to you, encourages or exhorts you, makes you want to be a better person, it’s completely coincidental. I don’t try to do that either. I write as it applies to me, and only to me.

It will never be a music, movie, or book review blog.
I love music, movies, and books. Sometimes I write about them, because it’s what I’m thinking about. But I don’t expect anyone to follow my “recommendations”, or care if they do or don’t.

It will never be a parenting advice blog.
I wouldn’t dare. I suck at parenting.

I don’t know what the point of this particular entry is. I only know that after stepping back and looking at this, I’ve come to the conclusion that I write for me. Not to reform anyone, not to reach anyone. I write because I love it. I write because sometimes my thoughts become too much to keep in my head. I’ve given up on the idea of trying to reach the masses. I’ve been beating myself up this past month, telling myself I need to blog, because all the blog magazines require at least a blog a week, and if I ever wanted to be featured on one of those...!!! I’ve given up on that idea also. I just can't keep up.
Journaling (which is really what this is) doesn’t benefit anyone other than the “journaler”. I’m okay with that. My readers are few, my “followers” are fewer. I have no grass roots cheering me on. I’m content to sit in my little corner, tapping away on my keyboard, writing the world as I see it.

So. What if I said that my blog is just that: a blog. Just good, old fashioned writing for the sake of writing. That’s what I’m doing here. That’s what I’ll continue to do.

Beyond that... I don’t know.

1 comment:

  1. I love what your blog is not. But i love what it is even more.