Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Sad Truths

I was driving to work last week, listening to music, singing along, when all of a sudden the words, "God, I'm hurting here", came out of my mouth. Out of nowhere. Just bubbled up, a little bit of sad truth that escaped and fell out of my mouth. It wasn't on purpose. It wasn't a conscious thought before it became words. It was just there. Sitting, waiting.
I am hurting. Always. But what can I expect, when I hold onto all my little broken pieces? Whose fault is it if I cut myself on them? Not the fault of the pieces themselves. Mine. For not letting go. Mine. For hugging them closer to myself like their brokenness will somehow protect me from breaking again. Mine. Mea culpa.

This has been one of those weeks where I'm spending every night staring at my darkened ceiling asking God what it is I've done wrong.
The answer I've been hearing is a resounding "Everything."

Now I know that isn't God's answer to me. More than likely it's my answer to myself. But the sad truth is, usually my voice is louder in my own head than God's is. The sad truth is, most days I don't even know what He says about me. Because the sad truth is, I don't listen.

I've spent all this week rehashing all my weaknesses. Family, friends, hobbies, goals, things I've let go, things I've dropped the ball on, things I've outright given up on. I've stared at that dark ceiling, my eyes as wide open as if I could see every detail of every failure playing in slow motion.
Crying out in frustration and weariness and, yes, let's be honest, since we're speaking the sad truth, anger. Loads and loads of deep, heartfelt, sorry for myself anger.
Crying out in the midst of all those things,
"Somebody!!! God. Please. Throw me a bone here. Just one."

But why do I need to beg God for bones? The sad truth is, He's given me every bone I'll ever need to get through all of this, and I've either buried them, afraid to use them, or thrown them away because they're not what I wanted. Sad truth. I'm full of them right now. I need some glad truth. I don't need someone else to tell it to me. I need to know it. I need to see it. I need to feel it.

1 comment:

  1. Wow girl. Just. Wow. (You resonated with me ... Not many ppl know in have a blog and it's been a while since I've written with any regularity but you're making me want to write again.

    Good stuff Mary. Pen