Sunday, August 8, 2010


It doesn’t matter that I don’t think I’m good enough. Washed up, sunk into oblivion, waste of space. But it matters if they think it. Not in so many words, of course. But enough to not stick up for me, even to myself. Enough to listen to me berate myself, and not tell me they disagree. Enough to not brag about me.

I used to be good. I used to be worth it. Circumstances have been against me. Circumstances, and my own collapse of self confidence. So instead of speaking up, having a voice, I have chosen to let go. Nobody regrets that more than I do. And nobody has tried to help me overcome it, either. Especially not them. I just want a biggest fan. Doesn’t everyone need one? I’m theirs. They know it. I can be their biggest fan, and therefore be the most honest, be their biggest critic. They're my biggest critic, alright. But without being a fan. They can criticize, but without having built me up enough to earn it.

So instead of giving me a chance, helping me reclaim myself, they watch me struggle. Tell me if I really wanted it, I would just do it. They of all people should know the dichotomy of wanting and doing. So separate. Despite common myths, and countless refrigerator magnets, wanting it bad enough doesn’t mean you get it. It just means you’re restless, discontent, and always wishing you were better.

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