Overcoming

I’ve tried so hard to overcome this image I have of myself. The girl who let herself be destroyed by people in her life, people who ended up not even mattering outside of the wounds they inflicted.The stupid girl who got pregnant before marriage. The careless girl who popped out too many kids all at once.

God knows, I’ve tried. I’ve tried to ignore the looks. I’ve tried to forget the comments, the “advice”, the jokes. And then something like today happens.

Some little snide comment sets me all off balance. I feel like I have to explain my mistakes away, make excuses for my choices, bad or otherwise. I feel like I’ve been sucker punched. Even now, after all these years, it hasn’t gone away. I feel like it will always be there, hanging over my head.

You try to tell yourself it doesn’t matter what other people think of you. God’s accepted you, you need to accept yourself. But the truth is, it does matter. IT. MATTERS. It will probably always matter, regardless of what kind of brave face I try to put on. I will always feel apologetic. I will always feel like I need to explain myself.

I will always, always be trying to overcome this.