SO Not Spidergirl

Earlier last month, I went outside to get something from my car, and came across something truly horrifying and grotesque:

That’s right. This puppy was living in the dogwood in my front yard. I about had a conniption. Of course, the photographer in me overcame it long enough to get a decent picture, which I posted on Facebook, thus generating a 50 comment thread on what to do about it. Among suggestions such as spraying it with extra strength hairspray, setting the tree on fire, or just leaving it alone because “they’re good for the planet” or some such nonsense, I decided, that since JT wouldn’t take pity on me and protect me from it, I was just going to leave it for now, hoping maybe a bird would eat it or something. Then Irene came, and I knew for sure that spider would drown, or be blown away, or SOMETHING.

No such luck. The night after the hurricane, my brothers were outside, and saw the spider hanging from the telephone wire right above my car. I don’t know why, if the wind was going to blow it anywhere, it couldn't have at least blown it down the street. The spider stayed there for a few weeks, then I lost sight of it. I figured it was gone. I was wrong.

Last night, I came home from worship practice with Jeremy, opened the fence, and walked through a huge spiderweb. In case you haven’t inferred, I don’t do spiders. I just don’t. They make me gag. I hopped up and down on the sidewalk, squealing and batting at my arms. I just knew- I KNEW- that that spider was going to lay eggs in my hair. I shuddered for the next half hour.

Now you may be thinking, girl has a spider stalking her, camped out in her yard, looks like it’s never leaving. It can’t get much worse. But it can. Ohhh, it can.

I walked my sister out last night when she went home. I told her, “Oh hey, watch out by the gate, the spider’s back” (Amber is long acquainted with the spider).  I turned on the porch light so she could see where the web was, and not walk through it. What to my revolted eyes should appear, not one, not two, but FOUR- FOUR. FREAKING. SPIDERS.- in my tree! I don’t know if Mother Spider had babies, or if she’s just been spreading the word about the luxury of my dogwood, but it doesn’t matter.

I shrieked.
I covered my eyes.
I waved my hands in front of my face in true Southern vapor style.
I covered my mouth.
I shrieked again.
I grasped my hair and pulled.
Shrieked again.

I just.... can’t... I can’t even articulate. I need those spiders gone. They need to be gone. I woke Jeremy up, at 1 in the morning, asking, “How asleep are you right now?” He responded, “Hmm?” “We have a problem”, I said. “The spider has spawned. There are four out there. SOON IT WILL BE SIXTEEN!!!” He didn’t grasp the gravity of our situation.

So, as of right now, I’m open to suggestions. Ones that don’t include me capturing them and releasing them into the wild, because that would require getting close. And ones that don’t require me outright killing them in cold blood, because I’m not a murderer. I just... I need winter. They’ll go away at winter time, right?

I need help.